Is this what a mid-life crisis looks like?
Maybe it’s the onset of winter. Maybe it’s just a job that has been in fifth gear for a little too long. Maybe it’s the responsibility of trying to be a good father, husband, provider, son, brother, or friend. Maybe it’s just fully coming into adulthood and seeing the world through more mature eyes.
Whatever the reason, I’ve been doing a lot of reassessing lately. A series of events in the last few months, although all small standing alone, have worked together to shake up what I thought was a pretty stable existence. It’s forced me to face some things I probably didn’t want to acknowledge and led me to ask some very difficult questions about many things in my life. As a result, my soul has been feeling more burdened than usual. A deep loneliness, if you will.
This feeling had even threatened to cast a pall over the start of the Christmas season, which has always been my favorite time of the year. How fortuitous (or not), then, that I had previously decided that this would be the first time I would truly delve into the season of Advent.
It couldn’t have come at a better time.
Despite being a Christian and having grown up in the church, I wasn’t ever really taught much about Advent other than the Sunday morning readings accompanying the lighting of candles. This year, I did some research to get a better understanding of what this Advent thing is all about. This last Sunday, we kicked off the season with a long family conversation about Advent and the meaning of Christmas (to us). We’ve also been doing some nightly readings and lighting our own Advent wreath. As my wife and I have tried to explain to the kids, in simple terms, that this season is one of hopeful anticipation, I’ve been captivated by the symbols and the imagery.
Darkness. Light. New Life.
The song “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel” has always deeply resonated with me. This year, it seems to have hit closer to my heart than ever. The lyrics and music perfectly capture the feeling of despondency and anxious anticipation of a world waiting for salvation. I played it for my kids the other night, and my son asked, “why do you want to listen to scary Christmas music?” (If you haven’t heard Enya’s rendition of it, it truly is haunting.) I tried to explain the beauty of the song, but he’s 6. He can’t possibly understand it yet. But at 36, I do.
A world, enveloped in darkness. Humanity, hoping for deliverance. The people, looking for peace.
Thankfully, I do see the Light, even if clouded by my own raging thoughts. And I can hear the chorus, in the deepest recesses of my being, whispering . . .
Rejoice!
you comin back for CCC dude?
Unfortunately not, my man. But, that service has taken on a whole new meaning for me! I was actually walking around the house tonight singing, “We light a thousand candles bright . . .”
With alarming frequency, you post what I need to remember. I’m in the thicket right now, too, and the cheery tunes don’t get at the despair/hope that accompanies my days. The last stanza of “I heard the Bells” also helps me:
“Then pealed the bells more loud and deep;
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With Peace on earth, good will to men.”
(note: I don’t like it ’cause it’s all triumphant. I like it ’cause the previous stanzas contain the line “hate is strong, and mocks the song of peace on earth, good will to men.”)
I get a little misty-eyed every time I think this. May this Advent season remind us both that this is the call of the Christian: to live in between the already and the not-yet, in anticipation. Thanks, Alex.
Yes! Thank you, Christina, for the great phrasing – “to live in between the already and the not yet.” So beautiful.
I know the phrase “misery loves company” is trite, but is it wrong that I feel better knowing that there others going through the same feelings? I so greatly appreciate your honesty and you reaching out to let me know I’m not alone. We’ll get through this all together, yet!
BTW, I’ll never listen to the song “I Heard the Bells” the same way again. That’s awesome.
I could’ve written exactly what you wrote! Our church started diving into this very discussion last year for the first time and rediscovered Advent. A book you may enjoy is Advent Conspiracy. or go to http://www.adventconspiracy.org . I know, it sounds hokey, but you will appreciate the ideas about how to *spend* less yet *give* more. While the book/web talks about drilling water wells, it’s given us a conversation piece around what it means for us as a family.
Merry Christmas Alex!
Thanks for the comment, Ryan. Like I said to Christina, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone! I’m also surprised by the number of Christians who, like me, don’t know much about Advent. I’ll check out the website – I appreciate you sending it to me.
Merry Christmas to you too, Ryan!
Thank you for this reminder!
Thank YOU, and G-Pie, for being there to help me work some of this out!